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Okay, I wasn't going to do this, but ya know what? This shit is getting ridiculous.

I am not avoiding, ignoring, or intentionally neglecting ANYONE. I get it. I'm a shitty friend, because I don't make time for people, and whatever.

But ya know what? At any given moment, I'm living 4 or 5 different lives. I'm a student, and a mother, and a daughter, and a person. But there are only so many hours in a day, and only so many days in a week, and I can't fucking be everything to everyone. I'm at school every day, and I'm at home dealing with my mother, doing what I have to do to keep her happy so she'll keep letting me live under her roof. And, of course, every minute that I'm not at school, I'm with Auron.

Guess which person gets neglected 90% of the time. Me, of course.

So I have two evenings a week when I am not responsible to anyone but myself. And on those two evenings, I GET THE FUCK OUT OF TOWN. I run away from my life, and I hide, and I don't talk to anyone but the person I'm with, because sometimes I just need to fucking take care of myself.

I am responsible to enough people on any given day. I do not need to be held responsible and given guilt trips because I'm not taking care or MORE responsibilities than I've already got. On my two evenings off, I want to do things for me. Not because I feel obligated to, and not because someone's been passive-aggressive 24/7 for countless weeks.

Like I said, I get it, I'm a lousy friend. I could be making time for people instead of going out and taking care of myself. But I'm getting pretty fucking tired of hearing that I don't come to visit people enough when they're less than 15 minutes away twice a week and can't be bothered to text ME to come visit ME. I'm not gonna drive an hour out of my way for you when you can't go five minutes out of yours for me.

And it's not just one person. I don't respond to half of my texts. I don't talk to half the people I should be talking to. But I have a million things that I need to be doing 6 days a week, and the (not quite) 24 hours that I have to myself are for me. Period. And when I'm monitoring what I'm saying online for fear of a passive-aggressive response from someone who can't be bothered to go a few minutes out of their way from me, there's a fucking problem, and I'm sick of it.

The end.

Tags:

Slowing down

So, after a brief period during which my love life was SO hectic, I had boys waiting weeks for a date (yeah, I was THAT booked), things are finally settling down. Which is good, because as much as I loved fucking 4 different guys over the span of a week and a half, that's a tough pace to maintain ;)

Anyway, I now have the list essentially narrowed down to two. Mr. President is still in the picture, kind of. We don't talk a lot, but he did ask me out last night. I couldn't go, which sucked, but at least he's still interested.

The other one has not been mentioned yet. We talked for weeks before our first date, which was a Tegan and Sara concert (which was OMG AMAZING). I still haven't come up with a proper nickname for him. He has, however, named my boobs. They are (wait for it)... Tegan and Sara. He's amazing. It's so easy with him - I don't have to try to be or do or say anything cool. He's like a best friend with EXCELLENT benefits (even though he didn't smack me in the face), and he likes me exactly as I am. It's... Beyond awesome. And I realized last night that, forced to choose between him and Mr. President, I would choose him. Holy shit.

Aaaand, he really needs a nickname, because I have a feeling I'm gonna be talking about him a lot.

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Still searching

He needs a nickname, but I don't want to jinx it.

Stupid boys

Well, things with Firefly fizzled quickly. He told me on Friday that he's not ready to date yet, since his last relationship went so wrong. He still wants to be friends, but the problem with that is that once he decides he's friends with someone, they stay in the "friend zone."

I was really surprised when I realized how torn up I was over it. I mean, had he just used me and left, I would have been cool with that. But instead, it turns out he was a perfect gentleman, and a really good guy, but the timing is all wrong.

I cried a lot Friday night, and that makes no sense. But I did.

Then on Saturday night, I was supposed to go see Alice with the Ex Once Removed. He stood me up last week, and when I told him I was going to see it by myself, he asked me to wait until this weekend. So Saturday night rolls around, and I text him at 7 when I getout of the shower to ask if we're going out or not. I got no response until 10, when he told me he just didn't know if he wanted to go out. I told him my babysitter had already gone to bed since I hadn't heard from him, and he didn't even apologize.

I gave him the whole "what the fuck's your fucking problem" speech, and he gave me some half-assed confused answer that made no sense at all, so fuck him.

Except he's still fucking texting me. What the fuck do you want from me, seriously? You give me all this shit about wanting to date and do boyfriend stuff, and then you stand me up two weeks in a row and can't even give me a decent explanation or apology.

And now he's back to sending me "goodnight" texts after I fall asleep. You know what? Fuck you. You're not much of a friend, you're definitely a shitty date, and you sure as hell aren't my boyfriend, so what the fuck is the point?

So whatever.

Feb. 26th, 2010

1. If you're on my friends list, I want to know 35 things about you. I don't care if we never talk, or if we already know everything about each other. Short and sweet is fine.

2. Comment here with your answers and repost the questionaire on your own journal. :)


01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst Habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
26) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
27) Do you believe in ghosts?
28) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
29) Do you swear a lot?
30) Biggest pet peeve?
31) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
32) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
33) Favorite and least favorite food?
34) Do you believe in God?
35) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

Jan. 19th, 2010

 I keep setting "goals" for myself to make the time go by faster...
If I can just make it to Thanksgiving,
Christmas,
New Year's Eve,
If I can just make it to January 4th,
Then the 25th,
If I can just make it 'til Valentine's Day,
My Birthday,
Auron's Birthday,
If I can just make it 'til D-Day,
Mother's Day,
Father's Day,
Graduation day...
All the days of my life I dream about you being there for.
But right around Mid-June, I run out of goals until Friday, August 13th.
Two months is a long time to go without in-between goals.
So please, hurry.

Omegle conversation log

2009-12-09

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Why did you leave me?
Stranger: i dont know
Stranger: probably cause you left me
You: Are you kidding? I was SO there for you.
Stranger: no you weren't
You: When you hit that dog with that car, and you wouldn't stop crying, I was TOTALLY there.
You: Even though it wasn't your car.
Stranger: you promised, like ALL the time, but you weren;t here
You: Even though it was my dog.
You: I FORGAVE YOU.
You: because that's what soulmates do.
You: and you left? *sob*
Stranger: lets just make up
You: does that involve makeup sex?
Stranger: no
You: oh, ok, good.
Stranger: you don't like those stuff do you?
You: cuz it was really never that good to begin with...
You have disconnected.

Omegle conversation log

2009-12-09

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi, how are you?
You: Not too shabby, how about you?
Stranger: kewl, yah same.
You: oh god the spelling. it burns.
You have disconnected.

Omegle conversation log

2009-12-09

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Say something interesting.
You: Time's up.
You have disconnected.


Omegle conversation log

2009-12-09

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey
You: Hi.
Stranger: wanna cyber?
You: Bye.
You have disconnected.

NaNoWriMo!!

So, baing the masochist that I am, I decided to do NaNoWriMo this year. I figured I would have died or quit by now, but I`m still on schedule, up to 12k words (over 40 pages), and still having fun. But tomorrow begins week 2, and supposedly, that`s when the disillusionment begins.
Weeks 3 and 4 are going to be hard, with all the papers I`m going to have to write, but at least I`ll be able to put most of my free time into the hardest week.
I don`t really have much to report, seeing as NaNo is eating my liiiiiiiiife.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com
He changed his passwords, added Flowerbitch to his facebook friends, and informed me that he`ll stop talking to her... eventually.
My end of this compromise is that I give him his privacy and stop checking his shit. His end is that, to save my sanity, he`ll stop talking to all the women he cheated on me with... someday.
Ugh.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com
So my sister got busted with her little boyfriend again. Except this time, he`s almost 18. Almost, as in he turns 18 tomorrow. She`s only been allowed to be home by herself for two weeks, and she was dumb enough to pull this crap again. I don`t get it. She was supposed to be better than the crap I did at her age. At least I was smart enough to be on the up-and-up with my mom about it.
So my mom is seriously considering sending her back to Florida to live with our dad, so she can "lie and cheat and whore around on his time." I can`t say I blame her.
It makes me feel guilty to see what my mom`s going through, to know that I put her through something similar. But she even said that it was easier with me, because even when she wasn`t happy about it, she always knew where I was and who I was with and what I was doing.
I wish I could give my mom an answer, other than "she`s 14, and she`s gonna find a way to do what she`s gonna do, if she wants it badly enough." I`m not sure there is a right answer to the situation.
All I know for sure is that the minute they come up with a birth control pill for men, I`m putting Auron on it.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com